Forward and Back… to Basics

I know, I know, I have been gone for a long time.  I had been blogging so consistently— nearly halfway through my planned 100 days of making stuff.  And then I stopped cold in my tracks. What was that about?

I began to feel the "making" project was too chaotic and arbitrary.  It was definitely providing me with something to show for my days.  But it wasn’t moving me toward whatever is next for me. I needed some time to take stock.

Toward the end of my time at my last job, I was trying to figure out what I could bear to do next.  I was miserable working on personal property tax for a Fortune 500 company.  I felt like my only value was my neurotic tendencies toward OCD, but not really anything that made use of the talents and skills I value in myself.

As things were falling apart and I could barely even drag myself in to work, I discovered that there was something that did still provide delight and enjoyment in my life.  It was fabric shopping. On days when I couldn’t bear to look at another tax bill at work, I could still find the energy during my lunch break to check out new fabric shops on line.  

One Saturday, I was so determined to get to a particular sale that I ended up taking 3 forms of transportation and walking a total of about 7 miles to get to and from my fabric shopping target.  The chance for a great fabric score is one of the few things I can think of that would get me to walk 7 miles. 

As a product of my “100 days of making” experiment, I learned that I generate an awful lot of ideas for projects, but even with all the time in the world, I don’t manage to make much of a dent in the pile.  I see fabric and am inspired to make a project. So I impulsively add it to my project list.  I am now on a fabric- buying moratorium (no matter what inspiration I have) until the pile goes down measurably.  I am also trying to think about prioritizing the projects rather than doing them haphazardly as the spirit moves me.

While I intend to keep making stuff, I want to re-focus this blog.  My time away made me realize that no matter how much stuff I might make for an Etsy shop, there is no way I could make enough money to turn it into my “day job.”  I was kind of putting myself to work in my own personal sweatshop.  So I quit. (And my boss was ok with that.)

I am working on a couple of other ideas now, which I will share when I have a better handle on them.  In my profile, I describe myself as “Diva, Spinsta, Provocateur.”  I think those words do describe qualities that are pretty central to my identity.  So what can I do that exploits those tendencies?

More importantly, as accurate as that description is, it doesn't account for my passion for making things better.  I don’t know what the word for that would be.  (Fixer-upper? Do-gooder? Bossy Big Sister?)  I do know I am compelled to do it by habit, preference, values, talent and temperament.    

I used to do a lot of care-taking with no sense of boundaries and then wondered why I felt resentful and martyrous.  I have gained some insight, maturity and experience that should allow me to make conscious choices in care-taking that won’t deplete my energy, but multiply it.  It will be good for me to practice boundaried care-taking.  Surely that will allow me to enjoy the process and outcome rather than spinning around in bitter resentment about giving more than I get.

As an appropriately boundaried helper, I want to get back to some of my original thoughts about being a spinsta, particularly one “at large.” My friend Carla and I set up a Facebook group called “Spinster Studies” where we post and discuss articles on the topic of single life in America.

The articles reflect a culture permeated with messages that demean single people in so many ways.  It makes not finding “The One” and being childless the equivalent of social leprosy.   I think I have done enough spinster-studying in the last couple of years to start adding to the discourse through this blog.

I intend to bring my iconoclastic voice, visibility and viability to other folks who live alone, (with or without cats.)  Spinstahood can sneak up on a person and be quite a shock when it finally dawns that it isn’t going away any time soon.   I want to help people who are feeling isolated and less-than as I did.  I can show them how to claim their own space and identity in the face of the culture's attempt to marginalize spinstas of all ages, genders and orientations.

There is  much more to be said.  As a Diva-Spinsta-Provocateur-Make-Betterer I have decided I am just the person to do it.  

Now what?

Now what?

A month ago, I scrounged up a manifesto I had written 5 years ago and posted it as my opening volley to begin a proper blog.  And then…

Nothing.

Those of you who know me (or who are Facebook friends) know I always have something to say about everything.  So one would think blogging would come naturally to me. I imagined I would be as verbose in a blog as I am in real life. Instead, I found myself plagued with a lot of questions.  Eventually, it occurred to me to write them down. The plague seemed to fall into two categories:

What is it about? and Who is it for?

The whole time I was plaguing myself with the variations on those questions, I also found myself looking over my own shoulder observing my day-to-day spinsta© life.  The plague and self observation really only served to leave me tied up in a big mute knot.  (Single knot, of course)

But at least I had written something down.  It was the list of plague questions.  Maybe that was my blog. Maybe I should just post whatever I can manage to write.  Maybe that’s how to start.  Am I starting at the very beginning, a very good place to start? 

When God closes a door, he opens a window on the 27th floor.

Suddenly, I have a vision of bracelets that say WWMvTD? I don’t usually turn to the Sound of Music version of Maria von Trapp for life wisdom.  But starting at the beginning—right where I am— makes some sense to me.  It reminds me of the other quote from that show that often comes to mind.  You know how the Mother Abbess tells Maria that when God closes a door he opens a window?   What Mother Abbess neglects to mention is that the window will be on the 27^th floor and you can either stand there or jump.  

As a recovering Catholic and practicing atheist, I have no confidence that a god or any magic will open a window—even on the 27^th floor.  But I do believe in pushing, shoving, knocking, jamming and generally doing whatever it takes to scratch out a glimpse of light to show the way out.  Admittedly, once in a while, the smart thing is just to wait and let time wear down the obstacles. But I won’t be making up any WWMAD bracelets any time soon.  My experience has taught me not to give a crap what Mother Abbess would do.

A bracelet I would seriously consider wearing would say WWR&HD? What would Rodgers & Hammerstein do? Or even better, WWSSD?  What would Stephen Sondheim do?  With my extensive knowledge of Rodgers , Hammerstein and Sondheim shows, there is every chance this blog could turn into a running list of song lyrics as they apply to the life of a spinsta©.

For now, though, I am going to list the plague of questions.  My guess is that this will lead to more questions than answers. But it’s as good a place as any to start.

1. What should it be about?
2. Should I focus on a specific theme?
3. Does my life even have a coherent theme?
4. How much of my own personal life do I want to share with whomever might wander by?
5. Do I want to censor myself in case my mother or conservative sisters read it?
6. What if a current or potential employer reads it?
7. What would make a good blog entry? 
8. Should I include photographs? 
9. How much faith do I have in my own writing abilities to just start writing and put it out there?
10. Who is this blog for?
11. What makes other blogs compelling enough that complete strangers make a point of reading them?
12. Do I have anything to say that complete strangers will find compelling, humorous, insightful, interesting, or most importantly, worth taking the time to read?

And here are the answers I have so far:

1. My idiosyncratic worldview.
2. There are certain themes I expect will dominate, but maybe once I start writing regularly, I will discover others I didn’t realize were always rumbling under the surface.
3. Only that it’s my life.  Spinsta©hood does seem to be fairly consistently recurrent.
4. TBD. It’s not as if I ever intend to run for office.
5. Ummm No. If I can put it out there for complete (and incomplete) strangers, I can put it out there for my sisters.  They don’t have to like it, but they are required to love me. (Note: I also have a brother, but I am not in the least worried about his reading a blog I write.)
6. Hopefully it will be just a good writing sample.
7. The blogs I enjoy are interactive, funny, insightful and make me think about things a little differently. Oh, and they give stuff away to lucky readers. J
8. If they are worth a thousand words.
9. Probably more than I should. Hopefully this will help me hone.
10. I think there need to be more voices of unapologetic singletons out in the culture, so while I expect to be writing about spinsta©life, it’s actually the coupled who are my audience. A spinsta© here and there might be interested to find someone who shares their experience, but couples tend to be oblivious to the reality that not everyone is in a couple.  They certainly can’t imagine what it’s really like to be a spinsta©.  Many fear being alone more than death. So to some degree, this blog is to take the fear out of what is so unknown to so many.
11. Free stuff. Quotes you can surprise your friends with. A very specific persona from the writer. Saying how you feel and asking for what you want.
12. People tell me so all the time.  It always surprises me since I live with this particular narrative in my head 24/7 and I am used to it.  Apparently I say stuff that is provocative or funny or entertaining when I don’t mean to.  So I want to see if I can do that when I am trying to.

So there! I have a second blog entry!  I will be curious to see what I come up with for a third. (And when…)